Thursday, September 23, 2010
"we're like those uncharted continents in the sky, clouds passing before the sun. we are vast and unknowable, billowing in many directions at once, capable of either drifting peacefully or exploding into great fits of grey violence. but in the end we are only mist, molecules of water that happen briefly and coincidentally to exist in the same place at the same time—but not forever. we are only mist, capable of being pulled apart, capable of disappearing completely in the face of the wrong gust of wind or the slightest change in pressure. and yes, sometimes we do get to bathe in that bright warm sun but other times, we cover it up completely."
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The Zookeeper's Daughter, 2
June 14, evening.
Edie was knocking on my door. She was dressed in jean shorts and a tight blue shirt that was unbuttoned a little too low. The skin of her chest was empty and soft like the underside of her arms. There was a hint of blush on her, a dash of red blood swirling behind her little cheeks. Eyeliner was driven in a perfect line across her lids but her lipstick was smudged.
“I need meat,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
“Can I borrow some money?”
"Didn't your parents leave you any?"
"They're not dead yet."
"No, I meant while they're away."
"Yeah but I'm almost out and I need food. A lot of food. I'm really hungry. You wouldn't believe how hungry I am. I could eat a horse, or elk. I could eat an ostrich. I am so hungry right now."
"I can make you something if you want. Sandwich? Linguini?"
"That's really nice but a $50 bill would be nicer.”
“And what do I get in return?”
She smiled, leaning on the doorframe. “Anything you want,” she said.
“Your lipstick is smudged,” I said.
“Shit. Where’s the bathroom?” She pushed past me into the house and disappeared around a corner. When she came back out, she lifted her glasses to the crown of her head and batted her eyelashes up at me. Her lipstick was perfect, her shirt was unbuttoned even lower.
“So what do I have to do to get some money?” she said.
“Did you just unbutton the top of your shirt?” I asked.
“No.” She took a step towards me. “I really need that meat,” she said.
“But its unbuttoned,” I said. I took a step back. “I can see your sternum.” She giggled a little in a way that seemed like it was supposed to come off sexy and innocent at the same time, but was just fake instead.
“Are you hitting on me?” she said, taking another slow step.
“Are you not wearing a bra?”
“Of course not.” She touched my arm.
“This is getting weird,” I said.
“You’re telling me.”
I handed her a $50 bill.
June 16, sometime before dawn.
There was a scream in the night, a roar that shook the windows like the breath of some dread monster shuddering down the darkened streets. I looked out the window—trying to catch sight of anything that could have made that paralyzing sound—but the street was blank and empty.
A light blinked on in the Owens house across the street, then turned off just as quickly, leaving the neighborhood suddenly bathed in the wet light from the river of stars above, tributaries twisting through the dark.
I left the house, went out to the street. I wondered if I had heard anything at all, if it had been imagined, a figment fluttering across a dream but I could still remember what it sounded like: low, dense and rising, ringed with fangs and sorrow.
I strained my ears hoping to hear anything, to catch some last echo springing back off the houses. Instead I heard movement in the Owens house. The light blinked on again, casting a soft yellow rectangle across the lawn. I ducked close to the garage. A girl’s shadow passed through the rectangle. I could smell something, something thick and wild, bloody almost. It was coming from the garage.
I checked the side door. It was unlocked. The smell inside the garage was rich and dirty. Dark shapes seemed to swing in the gloom. There was a clatter of chains twisting. I blindly searched for the switch. The light turned on to reveal stacks of meat on a tarp, animal carcasses swinging from hooks over pools of blood, waiting to be butchered. Sides of beef, legs of lamb and of pork, streaked with rich veins of fat. What could have been maybe ostrich, maybe elk. What might have been horse. Waiting to be eaten. A large freezer hummed in the corner.
I left the garage and realized that for the first time I could remember the house was silent. Edie’s laugh spilled softly out of the illuminated window, as if to underline the silence.
Edie was knocking on my door. She was dressed in jean shorts and a tight blue shirt that was unbuttoned a little too low. The skin of her chest was empty and soft like the underside of her arms. There was a hint of blush on her, a dash of red blood swirling behind her little cheeks. Eyeliner was driven in a perfect line across her lids but her lipstick was smudged.
“I need meat,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
“Can I borrow some money?”
"Didn't your parents leave you any?"
"They're not dead yet."
"No, I meant while they're away."
"Yeah but I'm almost out and I need food. A lot of food. I'm really hungry. You wouldn't believe how hungry I am. I could eat a horse, or elk. I could eat an ostrich. I am so hungry right now."
"I can make you something if you want. Sandwich? Linguini?"
"That's really nice but a $50 bill would be nicer.”
“And what do I get in return?”
She smiled, leaning on the doorframe. “Anything you want,” she said.
“Your lipstick is smudged,” I said.
“Shit. Where’s the bathroom?” She pushed past me into the house and disappeared around a corner. When she came back out, she lifted her glasses to the crown of her head and batted her eyelashes up at me. Her lipstick was perfect, her shirt was unbuttoned even lower.
“So what do I have to do to get some money?” she said.
“Did you just unbutton the top of your shirt?” I asked.
“No.” She took a step towards me. “I really need that meat,” she said.
“But its unbuttoned,” I said. I took a step back. “I can see your sternum.” She giggled a little in a way that seemed like it was supposed to come off sexy and innocent at the same time, but was just fake instead.
“Are you hitting on me?” she said, taking another slow step.
“Are you not wearing a bra?”
“Of course not.” She touched my arm.
“This is getting weird,” I said.
“You’re telling me.”
I handed her a $50 bill.
June 16, sometime before dawn.
There was a scream in the night, a roar that shook the windows like the breath of some dread monster shuddering down the darkened streets. I looked out the window—trying to catch sight of anything that could have made that paralyzing sound—but the street was blank and empty.
A light blinked on in the Owens house across the street, then turned off just as quickly, leaving the neighborhood suddenly bathed in the wet light from the river of stars above, tributaries twisting through the dark.
I left the house, went out to the street. I wondered if I had heard anything at all, if it had been imagined, a figment fluttering across a dream but I could still remember what it sounded like: low, dense and rising, ringed with fangs and sorrow.
I strained my ears hoping to hear anything, to catch some last echo springing back off the houses. Instead I heard movement in the Owens house. The light blinked on again, casting a soft yellow rectangle across the lawn. I ducked close to the garage. A girl’s shadow passed through the rectangle. I could smell something, something thick and wild, bloody almost. It was coming from the garage.
I checked the side door. It was unlocked. The smell inside the garage was rich and dirty. Dark shapes seemed to swing in the gloom. There was a clatter of chains twisting. I blindly searched for the switch. The light turned on to reveal stacks of meat on a tarp, animal carcasses swinging from hooks over pools of blood, waiting to be butchered. Sides of beef, legs of lamb and of pork, streaked with rich veins of fat. What could have been maybe ostrich, maybe elk. What might have been horse. Waiting to be eaten. A large freezer hummed in the corner.
I left the garage and realized that for the first time I could remember the house was silent. Edie’s laugh spilled softly out of the illuminated window, as if to underline the silence.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Looking for God in the Particles
A thousand physicists working together at the National Accelerator Laboratory, draped in lab coats and standing in a dignified line, reported in Paris on Monday that they had not found the "God particle"—yet. But they are beginning to figure out where It is not.
One by one, the physicists in the line offered places where It is not found: in the dripping rocks of caverns underground, said one; in the visible breath emitting from a warm mouth on a sunless winter day, said another; and It most certainly could not be found on a beach at night watching the reflection of the moon play across on the tips of the waves. The scientists as a group, all 1,000 of them nodding their heads in unison, can confirm that the God particle was completely undetectable from a sidewalk on a hill watching the sun rise.
They can say with 95% certainty that Its mass—in the units preferred by physicists—is not in the range between 158 billion and 175 billion electron volts. They can confirm that the Grand Canyon was untouched by the God particle, the Amazon rainforest barren. And even though it is theorized that the particle created the mass for all these things to exist, It was found in none of them.
Over the last decade physicists working on two separate experiments have combed the debris from a thousand trillion collisions of protons and anti-protons looking for signs of this God particle, the Higgs boson, which is said to be responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass. In 1964, Peter Higgs, a shy scientist in Edinburgh, explained how two classes of particles which now appear to be different—energy and mass—were once one and the same. His theory proposed the existence of a single particle responsible for imparting mass to all things—a speck so important and precious It has come to be known as the "God particle," the particle that set the universe in motion. This imbuing of mass happened in the moments after the Big Bang, as the universe expanded and cooled, and thus eventually led us to the Big Bands of the 1930s. Yet so far no one has been able to find the Higgs boson in the stream of debris emitted when two particles are smashed together at high speeds, or at the top of a mountain above the clouds on a crisp windless day.
Rumors abounded in recent months that God could be found in the fossil record, in shapes left in ancient rock by trilobites and jellyfish, crocodiles and ferns. That It could be found somewhere deep in the human brain, buried under mountains of grey folds and pulsing with electricity. That It could be found in math or language, in music or in dance. And yet the scientists on this small stage in Paris debunked them all.
The new results, combining the data from two separate experiments, narrow the range in which the Higgs, if It exists, must be hiding. Physicists had previously concluded that It must lie somewhere 115 billion and 200 billion electron volts. By comparison, a proton, the anchor of ordinary matter, weighs in at about a billion electron volts. Other previous predications by physicists included that It might lie somewhere between the scales of a fish, or in the air beneath the wings of a falcon, that God could perhaps be found in the darkest, deepest, densest part of the bottom of the bottom of the sea, in a hole somewhere miles below civilization, hidden from the light.
Theories do exist that do not anticipate the God particle at all, described elsewhere as the Higgsless model. Scientists who supposed the Higgsless model explained that perhaps we are free to our own fate, to make our own decisions. Perhaps we are free to indulge our whims and find the embodiment of God, Its very idea, to exist only in ourselves and our desires, to exist in the ecstasy we can generate in our own lives.
But the scientists on the stage in Paris that night refused to believe this existential notion, that we could possibly be alone in this world, unwatched by the Higgs boson or anyone else, unobserved by the heavens. One of them—in the back near the end of the line, outside the illumination of the stage spotlights—chimed up to posit the possible existence of whole families of Higgs bosons, as opposed to a single Higgs particle of the Standard Model—whole families of gods existing together, flocks of angels and cherubs, swarms of demons and imps swimming together in the cosmos, breathing mass into benighted particles. Another scientist mentioned that perhaps there is some kind of Higgs trinity, that perhaps Higgs boson has a son.
Proof of the Higgs boson would provide us with some hope and solace that beauty and unity really do exist—however rare they may seem in our world—at the very foundation of the universe, at the very center and source of all has existed and all that ever will. And so, said the lead scientist downcast, his lab coat drooping nearly to the floor of the stage, the most intensive particle hunt in the history of physics must go on.
One by one, the physicists in the line offered places where It is not found: in the dripping rocks of caverns underground, said one; in the visible breath emitting from a warm mouth on a sunless winter day, said another; and It most certainly could not be found on a beach at night watching the reflection of the moon play across on the tips of the waves. The scientists as a group, all 1,000 of them nodding their heads in unison, can confirm that the God particle was completely undetectable from a sidewalk on a hill watching the sun rise.
They can say with 95% certainty that Its mass—in the units preferred by physicists—is not in the range between 158 billion and 175 billion electron volts. They can confirm that the Grand Canyon was untouched by the God particle, the Amazon rainforest barren. And even though it is theorized that the particle created the mass for all these things to exist, It was found in none of them.
Over the last decade physicists working on two separate experiments have combed the debris from a thousand trillion collisions of protons and anti-protons looking for signs of this God particle, the Higgs boson, which is said to be responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass. In 1964, Peter Higgs, a shy scientist in Edinburgh, explained how two classes of particles which now appear to be different—energy and mass—were once one and the same. His theory proposed the existence of a single particle responsible for imparting mass to all things—a speck so important and precious It has come to be known as the "God particle," the particle that set the universe in motion. This imbuing of mass happened in the moments after the Big Bang, as the universe expanded and cooled, and thus eventually led us to the Big Bands of the 1930s. Yet so far no one has been able to find the Higgs boson in the stream of debris emitted when two particles are smashed together at high speeds, or at the top of a mountain above the clouds on a crisp windless day.
Rumors abounded in recent months that God could be found in the fossil record, in shapes left in ancient rock by trilobites and jellyfish, crocodiles and ferns. That It could be found somewhere deep in the human brain, buried under mountains of grey folds and pulsing with electricity. That It could be found in math or language, in music or in dance. And yet the scientists on this small stage in Paris debunked them all.
The new results, combining the data from two separate experiments, narrow the range in which the Higgs, if It exists, must be hiding. Physicists had previously concluded that It must lie somewhere 115 billion and 200 billion electron volts. By comparison, a proton, the anchor of ordinary matter, weighs in at about a billion electron volts. Other previous predications by physicists included that It might lie somewhere between the scales of a fish, or in the air beneath the wings of a falcon, that God could perhaps be found in the darkest, deepest, densest part of the bottom of the bottom of the sea, in a hole somewhere miles below civilization, hidden from the light.
Theories do exist that do not anticipate the God particle at all, described elsewhere as the Higgsless model. Scientists who supposed the Higgsless model explained that perhaps we are free to our own fate, to make our own decisions. Perhaps we are free to indulge our whims and find the embodiment of God, Its very idea, to exist only in ourselves and our desires, to exist in the ecstasy we can generate in our own lives.
But the scientists on the stage in Paris that night refused to believe this existential notion, that we could possibly be alone in this world, unwatched by the Higgs boson or anyone else, unobserved by the heavens. One of them—in the back near the end of the line, outside the illumination of the stage spotlights—chimed up to posit the possible existence of whole families of Higgs bosons, as opposed to a single Higgs particle of the Standard Model—whole families of gods existing together, flocks of angels and cherubs, swarms of demons and imps swimming together in the cosmos, breathing mass into benighted particles. Another scientist mentioned that perhaps there is some kind of Higgs trinity, that perhaps Higgs boson has a son.
Proof of the Higgs boson would provide us with some hope and solace that beauty and unity really do exist—however rare they may seem in our world—at the very foundation of the universe, at the very center and source of all has existed and all that ever will. And so, said the lead scientist downcast, his lab coat drooping nearly to the floor of the stage, the most intensive particle hunt in the history of physics must go on.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Zookeeper's Daughter, 1
Nothing seemed wrong that night. There were snoring lions, tired monkeys, alligators dreaming of being wrestled, even a dozing kangaroo. The tiger enclosure was the same, grasses swaying and trees creaking in the breeze, water still separating the habitat from its high, protective wall, faux-Indian ruins still ready to wow tourists — but the tigers were missing. No one noticed till the morning, when the keepers came for a feeding and found nothing to feed. There were no paw prints or scraps of food, no droppings or tufts of fur. It was as if no tiger had seen the inside of the enclosure, as if no animal had ever been held there at all.
I reported for work that day in my uniform, I had been working the box office for about four months, and the place was in a frenzy before dawn was painted from the sky. People sprinted from one side of the zoo to the other, checking on other animals. They were sweating and breathing heavily but speaking in clipped whispers and curt sentences while the monkeys shrieked from the trees. A search of the zoo turned up nothing, again no tracks, no evidence of tigers existing, let alone escaping. But we were sure the tigers had existed, absolutely sure, we asked every employee and everyone, especially their keepers, remembered tigers. We found stuffed tigers in the giftshop, a clear sign. So we were sure they had existed and we were sure they had been in the zoo yesterday at closing time, and we were sure they were gone.
I was on my way to the box office after checking out the scene when the zoo manager caught me, his face bright red, like a child’s balloon or a ripe cherry tomato. He was holding a rifle under his armpit.
“We need to take care of this fast,” he said.
“I work in the box office.”
“You don’t think I know that? I hired you. I know that.”
“Well, I don’t really have experience,” I looked at the rifle, “you know, hunting tigers. Or even dealing with the animals at all.”
“It’s fine. We need everyone we have on this. We’re organizing a search through the neighborhood. You’re on the second team, heading out from the south entrance.” He shoved the rifle into my hands.
I shook my head. “I can’t shoot animals, I don’t even know how to use a gun,” I said, holding it awkwardly.
“They’re tranquilizer darts. You’ll be fine.”
“What if I get mauled or … eaten?”
His mouth narrowed into a thin line. “Then I’ll just have to hire another ticket taker. We need to take care of this before the reporters show up.”
There’s a certain amount of anxiety that people experience when there’s a zoo in their neighborhood, in their town. There’s a constant worry that something is going to get loose, that an alligator will break out and eat their dog, that a jackal will get loose and eat their baby. Any mention of problems at the zoo winds up in the local papers very quickly.
“We don’t want this to turn into another cougar episode,” he said and grimaced.
I’d heard stories about the cougar almost every day since I was hired. It had escaped last summer and wondered through the town causing a panic, its progress tracked on both the nightly news and a special internet site, cougarwatch.com, set up especially for it but now defunct. It found its way into the mall at one point, sparking an immediately evacuation and causing the news anchors that night to joke about cougars shopping for Prada bags and cruising the food court for young studs. It never attacked anyone, caused no harm except the awful jokes and town-wide anxiety, but they finally shot it from a helicopter in someone’s backyard a full week after it escaped.
“Tigers — plural — tigers are a lot worse than a cougar,” he said. I nodded.
The team I was with combed through the neighborhood on foot, carrying our rifles past driveways and down cul-de-sacs and past strip malls, searching for any sign of tiger tracks. People just waking up to their eggs and OJ weren’t pleased to see us tromping through their backyards, past their in-ground pools, rifles in the air. People rubbed their eyes, did double takes. To those without coffee, we must have looked like dreams that had decided to tag along and follow them into the waking world of flesh, private hallucinations trespassing on their private property. One of them took our pictures with his phone and made a blog post about it which was read by his friends who forward it to their friends, one of whom sent it to somebody at the paper, which was how the story broke and the reporters showed up at the zoo less than an hour after the keepers discovered the animals missing.
I reported for work that day in my uniform, I had been working the box office for about four months, and the place was in a frenzy before dawn was painted from the sky. People sprinted from one side of the zoo to the other, checking on other animals. They were sweating and breathing heavily but speaking in clipped whispers and curt sentences while the monkeys shrieked from the trees. A search of the zoo turned up nothing, again no tracks, no evidence of tigers existing, let alone escaping. But we were sure the tigers had existed, absolutely sure, we asked every employee and everyone, especially their keepers, remembered tigers. We found stuffed tigers in the giftshop, a clear sign. So we were sure they had existed and we were sure they had been in the zoo yesterday at closing time, and we were sure they were gone.
I was on my way to the box office after checking out the scene when the zoo manager caught me, his face bright red, like a child’s balloon or a ripe cherry tomato. He was holding a rifle under his armpit.
“We need to take care of this fast,” he said.
“I work in the box office.”
“You don’t think I know that? I hired you. I know that.”
“Well, I don’t really have experience,” I looked at the rifle, “you know, hunting tigers. Or even dealing with the animals at all.”
“It’s fine. We need everyone we have on this. We’re organizing a search through the neighborhood. You’re on the second team, heading out from the south entrance.” He shoved the rifle into my hands.
I shook my head. “I can’t shoot animals, I don’t even know how to use a gun,” I said, holding it awkwardly.
“They’re tranquilizer darts. You’ll be fine.”
“What if I get mauled or … eaten?”
His mouth narrowed into a thin line. “Then I’ll just have to hire another ticket taker. We need to take care of this before the reporters show up.”
There’s a certain amount of anxiety that people experience when there’s a zoo in their neighborhood, in their town. There’s a constant worry that something is going to get loose, that an alligator will break out and eat their dog, that a jackal will get loose and eat their baby. Any mention of problems at the zoo winds up in the local papers very quickly.
“We don’t want this to turn into another cougar episode,” he said and grimaced.
I’d heard stories about the cougar almost every day since I was hired. It had escaped last summer and wondered through the town causing a panic, its progress tracked on both the nightly news and a special internet site, cougarwatch.com, set up especially for it but now defunct. It found its way into the mall at one point, sparking an immediately evacuation and causing the news anchors that night to joke about cougars shopping for Prada bags and cruising the food court for young studs. It never attacked anyone, caused no harm except the awful jokes and town-wide anxiety, but they finally shot it from a helicopter in someone’s backyard a full week after it escaped.
“Tigers — plural — tigers are a lot worse than a cougar,” he said. I nodded.
The team I was with combed through the neighborhood on foot, carrying our rifles past driveways and down cul-de-sacs and past strip malls, searching for any sign of tiger tracks. People just waking up to their eggs and OJ weren’t pleased to see us tromping through their backyards, past their in-ground pools, rifles in the air. People rubbed their eyes, did double takes. To those without coffee, we must have looked like dreams that had decided to tag along and follow them into the waking world of flesh, private hallucinations trespassing on their private property. One of them took our pictures with his phone and made a blog post about it which was read by his friends who forward it to their friends, one of whom sent it to somebody at the paper, which was how the story broke and the reporters showed up at the zoo less than an hour after the keepers discovered the animals missing.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Oyster
"That's when I reach for my revolver!" There's a voice screaming in the living room. We look at each other, eyes darting furtively around the room, making sure this is real, each of us is not just hearing voices out of the ether.
"That's when I reach for my revolver! That's when I reach for my revolver!" Its getting louder now. No one moves. I look at the clock. It is 1 in the morning.
"Oyster," Georgie says. "Oyster, I think a homeless man might have just wandered into your house."
"No," I said. "No, I think that's--"
"That's when I reach for my revolver!"
"That's my dad," I say.
"Does he have a gun?" Georgie asks.
I walk into the living room and there he is, sitting on the couch looking like a stranger. My entire life he has worn a beard, big, thick and black, like primeval forests, like some kind of wizard, and now here he is sitting clean-shaven in the living room, his cheeks flushed and dark red like a tomato that's begun to shrivel, wearing headphones and screaming this phrase over and over again. "That's when I reach for my revolver!" His eyes are hazy as he takes the headphones off.
"Sorry, I'm just listening to music. On my iPod." He shouts this still, even without the headphones. He takes off his coat.
"Is that for me?"
"My iPod. Mine. That I bought with my money." He points at me, his finger quivering a little at the end. He pulls it out of his pocket and points to it and then throws it on the ground. "I love music."
I walk back into the kitchen. "He's just my dad. Not a bum. It's my dad."
"Hey everybody," he says, walking in. He doesn't look at us or anything, his eyes wandering over our heads to the window behind us, an open bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. "Did everyone have a happy birthday?" He points at Georgie, hoisting the bottle over his head. "Did you have a happy birthday?"
Georgie looks at me, opening his mouth, not sure what to say.
"What about you?" He points at one of the twins. "I don't even fucking know you, kid." He swings the bottle, spilling a line of whiskey on the floor.
"There's some food, Dad. If you want it." I point to the cupcakes and macaroons on the table.
"No," he said, touching the wall. "I'm just thirsty, just really." He opens the cabinets, starts throwing tubberware on the floor, plastic cups bouncing on the counter. He pulls out the tiniest cup he can find, a teacup barely more than an inch wide. He could hold it in the palm of his hand but he doesn't. He grips the fragile handle between his big index finger and thumb, almost daintily. He tries to pour the Jim Beam into this tiny cup but both hands are shaking and moving in different directions, like two fish in an aquarium swimming circles around each other. Some whiskey dripped in the cup but more splashes into the sink. With his back to us, he holds the cup aloft and pauses for a moment, his shoulders shaking slightly. I can see something, brown liquid, dripping from his elbow, drops dribbling onto the floor and scattering on the countertop as he begins to laugh.
"Dad," I say. "Your elbow is dripping."
His shoulders shake as he keeps laughing, whiskey scattering from his elbow. He drops the tiny teacup into the sink with a clatter but it does not break. "Oh fuck," he says, gasping for breath between laughs. "You wanted an iPod for your birthday. Happy birthday. Everyone has a happy birthday." He grabbed the bottle and stumbled back into the living room. We could hear him in there, examining the furniture and the woodwork of the house, commenting on the craftsmanship and sturdiness of the wood and beams.
"Well, uh," Georgie says. The twins pull out a phone and begin to call their mom. "I should probably get going," he says.
I walk them all to the front door. There are a row of trinkets and baubles on the bookshelves that mom had left behind. She had a love of owls, but I was never sure why, and the top of the shelf is covered in them in all different sizes and colors and materials, ceramic, wicker, plastic, blown glass, all standing like a little army, a crowd of immobile owls with a silver crucifix standing behind them all. Dad, now shirtless, grabs one from the shelf and looks it over for a second. The twins stop and watch.
"Did you have a happy birthday?" he asks the owl. He cradles it in his hand as he picks up another. "What about you? Did you have a happy birthday?" He does this with each one, picking them up, looking them over and asking them, a small collection forming in his arms. He turns around to us. "Everyone had a great birthday." He smiles. He picks each owl out again from where it lay cradled in his arms and throws them against the walls, into the bookshelf, onto the couch. "Everybody had a really great birthday. Everybody!" Some shatter, the ceramic pieces scattering over the floor. Others land with a dull sound. "Everybody," he says. When his arms are empty again, he grabs the bottle and turns back to the bookshelf. "This is a good solid bookshelf," he says and starts to climb it. The top of it wobbles dangerously, we can see the sides of it bend and sway, his feet kicking books to the floor, his hands pulling his body weight upwards. The crucifix at the top falls over.
"Dad! Dad you need to come down."
He pulled himself on top and sat there, the shelf moving with his weight.
"Mr. Oster," Georgie said. "I don't think that bookshelf can support you."
"Who built this shelf?" he yelled. "Who built this fucking bookshelf? I did. There's no stronger shelf in the whole world. Its strong. These are my books." He kicked them out of their holes onto the floor, the pages fluttering. "I've read every one of these books." He lays down on top of the shelf.
"Dad, you're going to roll off that. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Why do you think they make it like this? They make so you can lay down, so you can sleep. Why do you think I built this shelf? So I had somewhere I could rest." He grabs the silver crucifix next to him, holds it over his face as though he were examining it intently, thinking it over. He lets it drop to the floor. "Strongest bookshelf in the world," he says, taking a swig from the bottle.
"Come on," I say, grabbing Georgie and the twins and pulling them towards the front door.
"Are you going to be ok?" asks Georgie.
"Probably not," I say. The twins look at me but don't say anything. Georgie opens the door and they step outside.
"Now I know why she left," I say, holding the door open, the cold air drifts into the house behind me.
Georgie claps me on the shoulder. "Happy birthday, Oyster." I close the door behind them and watch from the window as they walk away, their breath turning to silver smog in the air. At my feet is a headless ceramic owl. I turn out the lights, go to my room, and lock the door.
"That's when I reach for my revolver! That's when I reach for my revolver!" Its getting louder now. No one moves. I look at the clock. It is 1 in the morning.
"Oyster," Georgie says. "Oyster, I think a homeless man might have just wandered into your house."
"No," I said. "No, I think that's--"
"That's when I reach for my revolver!"
"That's my dad," I say.
"Does he have a gun?" Georgie asks.
I walk into the living room and there he is, sitting on the couch looking like a stranger. My entire life he has worn a beard, big, thick and black, like primeval forests, like some kind of wizard, and now here he is sitting clean-shaven in the living room, his cheeks flushed and dark red like a tomato that's begun to shrivel, wearing headphones and screaming this phrase over and over again. "That's when I reach for my revolver!" His eyes are hazy as he takes the headphones off.
"Sorry, I'm just listening to music. On my iPod." He shouts this still, even without the headphones. He takes off his coat.
"Is that for me?"
"My iPod. Mine. That I bought with my money." He points at me, his finger quivering a little at the end. He pulls it out of his pocket and points to it and then throws it on the ground. "I love music."
I walk back into the kitchen. "He's just my dad. Not a bum. It's my dad."
"Hey everybody," he says, walking in. He doesn't look at us or anything, his eyes wandering over our heads to the window behind us, an open bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. "Did everyone have a happy birthday?" He points at Georgie, hoisting the bottle over his head. "Did you have a happy birthday?"
Georgie looks at me, opening his mouth, not sure what to say.
"What about you?" He points at one of the twins. "I don't even fucking know you, kid." He swings the bottle, spilling a line of whiskey on the floor.
"There's some food, Dad. If you want it." I point to the cupcakes and macaroons on the table.
"No," he said, touching the wall. "I'm just thirsty, just really." He opens the cabinets, starts throwing tubberware on the floor, plastic cups bouncing on the counter. He pulls out the tiniest cup he can find, a teacup barely more than an inch wide. He could hold it in the palm of his hand but he doesn't. He grips the fragile handle between his big index finger and thumb, almost daintily. He tries to pour the Jim Beam into this tiny cup but both hands are shaking and moving in different directions, like two fish in an aquarium swimming circles around each other. Some whiskey dripped in the cup but more splashes into the sink. With his back to us, he holds the cup aloft and pauses for a moment, his shoulders shaking slightly. I can see something, brown liquid, dripping from his elbow, drops dribbling onto the floor and scattering on the countertop as he begins to laugh.
"Dad," I say. "Your elbow is dripping."
His shoulders shake as he keeps laughing, whiskey scattering from his elbow. He drops the tiny teacup into the sink with a clatter but it does not break. "Oh fuck," he says, gasping for breath between laughs. "You wanted an iPod for your birthday. Happy birthday. Everyone has a happy birthday." He grabbed the bottle and stumbled back into the living room. We could hear him in there, examining the furniture and the woodwork of the house, commenting on the craftsmanship and sturdiness of the wood and beams.
"Well, uh," Georgie says. The twins pull out a phone and begin to call their mom. "I should probably get going," he says.
I walk them all to the front door. There are a row of trinkets and baubles on the bookshelves that mom had left behind. She had a love of owls, but I was never sure why, and the top of the shelf is covered in them in all different sizes and colors and materials, ceramic, wicker, plastic, blown glass, all standing like a little army, a crowd of immobile owls with a silver crucifix standing behind them all. Dad, now shirtless, grabs one from the shelf and looks it over for a second. The twins stop and watch.
"Did you have a happy birthday?" he asks the owl. He cradles it in his hand as he picks up another. "What about you? Did you have a happy birthday?" He does this with each one, picking them up, looking them over and asking them, a small collection forming in his arms. He turns around to us. "Everyone had a great birthday." He smiles. He picks each owl out again from where it lay cradled in his arms and throws them against the walls, into the bookshelf, onto the couch. "Everybody had a really great birthday. Everybody!" Some shatter, the ceramic pieces scattering over the floor. Others land with a dull sound. "Everybody," he says. When his arms are empty again, he grabs the bottle and turns back to the bookshelf. "This is a good solid bookshelf," he says and starts to climb it. The top of it wobbles dangerously, we can see the sides of it bend and sway, his feet kicking books to the floor, his hands pulling his body weight upwards. The crucifix at the top falls over.
"Dad! Dad you need to come down."
He pulled himself on top and sat there, the shelf moving with his weight.
"Mr. Oster," Georgie said. "I don't think that bookshelf can support you."
"Who built this shelf?" he yelled. "Who built this fucking bookshelf? I did. There's no stronger shelf in the whole world. Its strong. These are my books." He kicked them out of their holes onto the floor, the pages fluttering. "I've read every one of these books." He lays down on top of the shelf.
"Dad, you're going to roll off that. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Why do you think they make it like this? They make so you can lay down, so you can sleep. Why do you think I built this shelf? So I had somewhere I could rest." He grabs the silver crucifix next to him, holds it over his face as though he were examining it intently, thinking it over. He lets it drop to the floor. "Strongest bookshelf in the world," he says, taking a swig from the bottle.
"Come on," I say, grabbing Georgie and the twins and pulling them towards the front door.
"Are you going to be ok?" asks Georgie.
"Probably not," I say. The twins look at me but don't say anything. Georgie opens the door and they step outside.
"Now I know why she left," I say, holding the door open, the cold air drifts into the house behind me.
Georgie claps me on the shoulder. "Happy birthday, Oyster." I close the door behind them and watch from the window as they walk away, their breath turning to silver smog in the air. At my feet is a headless ceramic owl. I turn out the lights, go to my room, and lock the door.
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