Like 55% of people, you watch the news while cooking dinner. You whiten your teeth while you sleep.
Your household has more televisions than children.
You are one of 90% of Americans that own a Bible, only half of which can name a single Gospel.
You will still consume 20 tablespoons of added sugar today.
You are one of the 16% of people who have never been forgiven.
Tonight, you will spend 7 hours sleeping and 20 minutes wondering why you can't sleep.
Like 33% of people, you haven't really felt alive since the summer of 1997
If you're one of the 10% of people who think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife, you're also one of the 95% of people who think they're right.
You will live 13 years longer than the average celebrity and will have pictures of your accidentally exposed crotch in 100% fewer tabloids.
You are one of the 26% of people who will burn their children alive.
You will be married three times but still believe in one true love.
You are one of the 71% of Americans who dream with their eyes open, kiss with their mouths closed and make love in the dark.
You will not save any money today.
One-third of American workers see tiny skulls in the mirror.
You will spend 137.8 hours this year commuting to work and 135.2 hours getting back home.
You will only spend 17 minutes a day reading.
You are one of 98% of people who wish they could remember how it felt to be born.
At some point today you will say a prayer. You will not floss. You will take a shower for 11 minutes and not sing in it, drive an eight-year old car to work and spend 95% of the day indoors, in front of a computer, pretending to look busy.
You are one of the 30% of Americans who can not afford to be sick.
At some point today you will wish you could write a beautiful song about love. Like 62% of people, the feeling will pass.
At the age of 71 you will be retired, you will live off Social Security, take three kinds of pills, will no longer speak to your children and will, most mornings, meet your last remaining friend, Bill Stevenson, at McDonalds to drink bad coffee, eat greasy egg biscuits, stare wistfully out the windows at an ugly, tin-foiled sky and talk about things that happened 20 to 40 years ago in softly forgotten tones.
9 comments:
i will never be eating greasy egg biscuits. thankyou.
you're gonna go and leave Bill Stevenson all by his lonesome after all he's done for you?
Beautiful. Aboslutely fucking beautiful.
jesus christ. where the hell have you been hiding for the last three years?
I'm in Austin, Tx. I've been busy as hell. I go to school full time, am a contributing writer for a local music mag, work a full time job, and write spec scripts for tv shows, and do film work around here. What's been up? You living in Chicago now?
Yeah I'm in Chicago on public assistance at the moment. Its been a weird year. I was an extra in the forthcoming Batman movie, so that's pretty cool.
You been in school forever! When do you finally finish? What mag? How'd you get involved in TV and film stuff?
Well, nothing wrong with living off the government teat.
It must've been pretty awesome to be on the Batman set. I've been an extra in that shitty TV show Friday Night Lights.
I don't think I'm ever going to finish school. Literally. At this point I'm just taking classes that can help my career, like writing and film classes. I've pretty much given up on getting a degree because I hate school so much. I'm writing for Soundcheck Magazine, and I actually sent some submissions into Paste Magazine, but I haven't heard anything back yet.
The way you get involved with tv is to just write spec scripts. I just happen to have a friend who is an agent. He sent my stuff in. Nothing has been produced yet, so no payday yet, but I've gotten positive responses from producers. So hopefully once the writer's strike ends I can get some money. I sent my stuff in like the week before it started, so I can't get hired or anything until that happens. But once it does, I might have to move out to LA and become a big Hollywood phony.
So, are you doing any writing, or freelance work?
You've got to have enough credits by now, somehow. Seriously, what do you have left to do?
That's awesome about the script stuff. Send me some, I wanna read em.
Although I did briefly work for the worst magazine in existence (see posts about it), the only writing I've been doing is the kind of stuff thats on this site. And I've been slowly down here with the prose too. It's been a rough year. I figured I needed to get stable before I could think about anything else.
I do have enough credits, but what's the point. I make a decent wage, and I'm not looking to become an accountant, or a computer engineer, so I don't how it could help me.
Sure, I'll send you some. How about a Simpsons episode?
Afrique huh? I thought it was a joke or something. Why's your year been so rough? and why'd yo move to Chicago? Have you tried to get a job at Pitchfork?
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