Based on an actual conversation at work.
Me: Did you hear about Roland Burris’ tombstone?
S: No, is he dead?
Me: No, unfortunately he still breaths our air and drinks our water and it looks like he will soon be our US senator.
S: How unfortunate.
Me: Isn’t it? Anyways, turns out the guy bought himself a plot and erected a mausoleum to use as a family tomb.
S: Sounds gothic but not that unusual.
Me: And the guy had the words ‘Trail Blazer’ carved in big block letters under his name followed by a list of his many, many accomplishments with extra room left for whatever he might do in the future.
S: You’re kidding. What kind of achievements are we talking here? First man on the moon? Getting his GED?
Me: 'First African-American to: serve as Illinois state comptroller, serve as Illinois attorney general. First Non-CPA member to: serve on the CPA board.'
S: That’s an accomplishment?
Me: Well he blazed the trail, sure. He was the first. The level of hubris is almost unfathomable here, like something from a Greek tragedy.
S: If only this were the Trojan War, I’m sure he would have already been brought down by his pride. That or by a griffin or a hydra or something.
Me: Maybe by Cerberus.
S: Sure, three-headed demon dog, that would do the trick.
Me: So I figured now is the time that I should invest in my own plot and tombstone and put all my extraordinary accomplishments on it. That way history will never forget my intense and immense glory.
S: So maybe just a small 8x10 headstone for you then?
Me: I was think more like 15-foot tall obelisk made of volcanic rock. That way there will be four sides on which to record my historic deeds.
S: How about a normal-sized tombstone that’s just 15-feet thick. That way people will notice your accomplishments when they trip over them.
Me: Another good idea to consider. Maybe I’ll just have a statue of myself standing holding two stone tablets with my list of accomplishments on it. Like Moses.
S: And clad in flowing robes and a beard. Hey you could get the guy who did the Michael Jackson statue on the cover of HIStory.
Me: Or the blind girl who made that godawful plaster head that looked nothing like Lionel Richie in that one Lionel Richie music video from the ‘80s.
S: I understand she’s hurting for work these days.
Me: I don’t think I want to be as humble as Burris either. I’ll include accomplishments that I haven’t yet accomplished. Yet.
S: Give yourself some motivation to get out there and really strive.
Me: Sure, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. ‘First man on Jupiter, first Caucasian-American to lead the NAACP and/or the Nation of Islam.’ Now that its engraved in stone I kind of have to do it. No more sleeping in on Saturdays. 'Star of The Goonies.'
S: Well, what with all these accomplishments your engraving costs are going to be unreal.
Me: Maybe I’ll save some money by just scrawling all my achievements in marker on a piece of cardboard and leaning it on a rock.
S: Or just use the office printer to print up a list of accomplishments and just tape it onto a marble slab.
Me: It’s a laser printer, right?
S: I believe so.
Me: I’ll just send the marble slab through the printer, let the lasers carve it up for me.
S: Lasers are so awesome.
Me: So is Roland Burris.
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3 comments:
i really like this
it made me laugh
i wish i could see it as a one act, although i can't help imagining you voicing both parts.
well thanks.
steve who sits in the opposite cube is who i had this conversation with. i wish it was just me talking to myself. that guy is like 40 and seven feet tall. you know how i feel about tall people. and the middle aged. and men.
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