Inspiration

I was hungry and exhausted and small, but that's not all, I was also inspired, inspired to do anything, anything at all. There was just this intense rainbow wrapped around my head shockingly like a blindfold fabric tied tight over my eyes on the side. It blazed there, half-blinding me but replacing sight with something different, something better, visions of possibilities that danced like gremlins in a disco. They were telling me everything better I could be doing at this precise moment instead of riding the train with a bunch of drunken self-inflicted cripples and deformed ugly invalids.

I wanted to do anything, I wanted to create whole candy-coated worlds sprung from my mind that were sick with sugar, demanding and joyful and drenched, just drenched, in huge layers of whipped snow and marshmallow thorns.

I wanted to write the world's greatest novel in only 14 mindblowing sentences unlike anything anyone had ever read before or ever would read again. Even on audiobook.

I wanted to paint a picture right on some stranger's face with a big bright red marker and a bucket of oil paint.

I wanted to make a sculpture out of dynamite, consequences and limbs be damned.

I wanted to record the worst song anyone had ever heard, I mean just fucking awful: a glowing, blazing, flaming, screeching sound that erupted free upon eardrums like cats shrieking at the moon while little kids banged on pots and pans with no other sense of rhythm but joy. I wanted it to be beautiful to anyone in the world but mostly just to me.

I wanted to jump off a fucking roof with no ground in sight while screaming a curse to god and jesus himself for not making every moment of every day in every life as solid and expressive and expansive and endless as this one right here right now. There was blood in these places, but in a good way, in a living way, blood that flowed from that rainbow wrapped around my head and it carried oxygen and bits of humor and playfulness but most of all ideas, ideas right from the rainbow to my brain. I was up, I was on, I was the cotton filament in a lightbulb burning bright.

Oh I was hungry and tired and small and still I was on this train with no outlet but to starve and stare at these people in silent quiverings as this rainbow wrapped round my eyes just blazed in fury and inspiration and love. Oh I was still here doing nothing but for now I was huge, I was endless, I was an ocean, I was America.